From Self Doubt to Self Growth

Insecurities don’t just show up in the mirror for me. I tend to surround myself with them, almost as if I’m inviting them into my life through my relationships and friendships. It feels like I’ve become accustomed to these feelings of inadequacy, letting them define my reality.

There are friends who make me feel small and unsuccessful, like I’m failing at life. It seems like everything works out perfectly for them, while I struggle to reach my own goals. I see them appearing to have it all figured out, but I know deep down that it’s all just an illusion. Still, I internalise it and question why I’m not measuring up.

Then, there’s the sense of never truly fitting in. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to form the deep, genuine connections that others share. It’s like I’m always on the outside, watching as others bond in a way that I can’t seem to replicate. Even when I’m surrounded by friends, I often feel isolated, as though there’s a disconnect, I just can’t bridge.

And then there’s the person who doesn’t want a relationship with me, reinforcing the feeling that I’m unlovable. The message that I need to sort things out before they can make any commitment leaves me feeling like I’m not worthy of a real connection.

All of this forces me to reflect:

Why do I allow these insecurities to take such physical form in my life? These people aren’t doing anything wrong; they are simply living their own lives. So, why do I choose to surround myself with situations and relationships that consistently amplify my feelings of inadequacy? It’s one thing for these thoughts to exist in my head but facing them in the actions of others every day feels like a kind of mental and emotional punishment I’m choosing to endure.

In times like this, I turn to the Mother Earth for clarity. When I connect with nature, I feel a deeper sense of grounding. The earth helps me process these emotions, offering a space for reflection and healing that feels more aligned with my true self. There’s a sense of peace in the natural world, a reminder that growth and transformation are constant, cyclical processes—just as they are within me.

But this leads me to another question:

Is the struggle I’m facing a chosen path of growth, or am I unconsciously engaging in self sabotage? I wonder if, by surrounding myself with these dynamics and feeling these deep insecurities, I’m somehow pushing myself to evolve, to face my fears head on. Or is it a way of trapping myself in a cycle of self doubt, keeping me stuck where I am? The internal conflict is real, and it's hard to figure out whether this is all part of my growth process or a pattern I need to break free from.

Now, I’m left with a dilemma:

Do I continue to work on myself, trusting that change will come naturally in time, or do I make a more drastic move and remove these people from my life completely? Starting fresh, cutting ties, and building new connections, it feels daunting and overwhelming. It’s a huge leap, and part of me fears I might be running from the deeper work that still needs to be done.

But then again, there’s the path of patience, staying committed to myself, allowing things to unfold as they will, and trusting that I’ll reach a place of clarity and strength in due time. It’s a constant pull between wanting to make a change and allowing the process to play out. The fear of change is real, but so is the desire for growth, and ultimately, I know I need to find the path that serves my mental wellbeing and helps me grow into the person I truly want to be.